the dysfunctional ramblings of a rambly kind of gal
My commentary is in chronological order and are from the Extended Edition of the film. Oh, and my thoughts? Full of snark.
Wait, how would a rose be in bloom in “deep winter”?
So… Snow White’s mum wanted a child because she pricked her finger on a thorn? Ooooookay…
How vain does a mother have to be to wish for a child with the most beautiful qualities. I get people wanting the best for their child but would she disown her child if it were ugly?
That kid is supposed to be known for her beauty? Ooooookay…
“You possess rare beauty, my love. In here *Queen points to Snow’s heart*” Yeah… That’s what parents say to their children when they know they’re ugly.
Uh oh. A dark and mysterious army appeared. The king has been lured into battle.
Wow… This army is very, uhh, breakable.
Dark army has been defeated. PHEW!
UH OH. Charlize Theron is all mesmerizingly beautiful and shit!
Don’t be fooled by her kindness Snow White. Bitch is gonna kill you the first chance she gets.
No offense King, but this is what happens when you marry a woman the day after you meet her…
Shiiiiiiiite… Theron got stabby reaaaal quick.
I’ve already learned this: crazy bitches are crazy because of men.
Ravenna’s brother looks like the derpy alien from Galaxy Quest.
“Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” ALWAYS YOU CHARLIZE.
Seriously K-Stew, even your so-called “inner beauty” doesn’t make you comparable to cray cray Charlize.
Whoa. The special effects in this movie be bitchin’!
WHO DID THIS TO YOU CHARLIZE? WHO MADE YOU A CRAZY BITCH?
Someone give K-Stew a bath. Her shitty acting is stinking up the place. Also, she’s got dirt all over her.
Wait, so even in a world that doesn’t actually exist, Snow White knows the Lord’s Prayer? Oooooookay…
BAHAHAHAHAHA… Talk more K-Stew. Talk more with your terrible accent.
Uh… That board gizzard can’t be good for you Charlize. Really now.
“Remember when we were children begging for scraps like those wretches?” SEXY BEGGAR CHARLIZE THERON!
Is that milk? Is she bathing in milk? Looks more like paint. Or bird poop.
See Charlize? That’s how it feels to get stabbed. Maybe you should be nicer to people. They may stab you less.
Oh shit. That’s TOTALLY a wrinkle Charlize.
Please stop getting so cuddly with your brother. Pretty please?
Ah shit, Lily Cole. Dead. That sucks.
Aw no worries! Not dead, Lily! Just eldered up.
UH OH. SOMEONE IS FAIRER THAN YOU CHARLIZE.
“SNOW WHITE? SHE is my undoing?” Bahahahahaha… I know, RIGHT?!
Snow “Vitamin D Deprived” White
Oh man. Charlize’s brother is twelve kinds of creepy in this.
STOP BEING SKEEVY DERPY BRO!
Ummm… How did Derpy Bro get out of the prison cell? I’m calling BS on that…
I find it hard to believe that someone who the Queen wanted mostly dead would have both a fancy dress on AND pants…
How does K-Stew know how to swim after being locked away?
HOW CONVENIENT. A MOTHEREFFING horse right where Snow White washes up on shore.
Derpy townspeople wanna eat yer horse Snow White. Nummy num nums!
UNRELATED NOTE: my shorts totally have a cape.
Oh shit. I know how this next bit goes… ARTAX! NOOOOOO!
Atreyu looked like more of a girl than K-Stew does.
Uh oh. Looks like K-Stew’s been dosed by The Scarecrow.
Whoa Charlize. Someone needs to take her cray cray pills! STAT.
I think you may be bi-polar Charlize. Just sayin!
“…someone who could hunt her!” I CAN’T BEGIN TO PREDICT WHERE THIS IS GOING!
Oh shit. Chris Hemsworth. Didn’t see that coming.
WHY YOU PUNCH A HORSE, THOR?
“You will not speak of my wife!”
“You MISS her!”
Uh… Well, YEAH… Probably. You may understand that if you had EMOTIONS, Charlize.
DON’T FUCK WITH THOR, DERPY BRO!
Exploding arrows? Really? What is this, a video game?
Snow White’s childhood beau is a bratty, brat, brat.
Ooh rah rah! Chop off my dress ANYTIME, Thor.
“You’re barely old enough to remember her!” Uh yeah, DUH Thor. That’s the part where you’re supposed to say “Oooooh…”
Oh no. Bones. That’s not good. You guys are probably gonna die. END OF MOVIE.
Not really. It’s JUST a troll. Thor can handle that shit.
Oh. Maybe not. It’s cool though, K-Stew will just scream at it.
I THINK K-STEW AND THE TROLL ARE IN LOVE! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Oh shit. Ladies with eyeliner. In BOATS. With bows. AND arrows.
WELCOME TO FOXY FISHER(WO)MAN TOWN!
((for admittance, cut yer face lots))
Derpy Bro is back with a vengeance. K-Stew cut his face, yo! (tthen it was healed, but still… it’s the principle)
AWWW SHIT… Charlize’s mum did this to her? Talk about a metaphor for how much our parents eff our lives up…
Where are the dwarves?!
Oh wait. There they are. IAN MCSHANE! Oh! THAT GUY! And THAT guy! Nick Frost! Toby Jones! SMEE! Ray Winstone!
Sam Claflin. That’s who the bratty guy is. Oh how I love IMDb.
Of course there are faeries. Of course.
So help me if this movie goes all Sookie on us and it turns out Snow White is a goddamn faerie.
Uh, K-Stew? There’s dwarf face in between your boobs.
Holy fuck… These faeries are massively creepy.
WHY DO THE MUSHROOMS HAVE GOOGLY EYES?!
Not to make the obvious joke, but I feel like maybe the innocent Snow White wouldn’t have slept with the director… Wah wah.
BAHAHAHAHAHA… Ninja archer. I shall name you Pip.
UH OH. Derpy Bro has gotten feisty. OH EM GEE. DB (Derpy Bro) just head-butted Thor in the stomach. Hahaha!
CHARLIZE! I think you have epilepsy. That seizure doesn’t look fun. Yikes. Oh, it’s cause your brother is dying. See? Didn’t I tell you to be nicer to people? They’ll stab you less.
HOW AM I BARELY HALF-WAY THROUGH THIS MOVIE?!
PIP! Why the hell did you shoot a dwarf?! What’s wrong with you. Turd.
OH NO! Dwarf that I didn’t catch the name of… NOOOOOOOO!
Man, K-Stew, you got some big ass front teeth. They look like Walter Mathau’s Chiclet teeth in Dennis the Menace: The Movie (pictured below).
Shit just got Lord of the Ringsey.
Charlize is going to catch a nasty case of Avian Bird Flu with all those ravens around her.
WILLIAM AND K-STEW SITTING IN A TREE… K-I-S-S-I… Wait, no, that’s not right. K-Stew was busy boning Rupert.
Wha… Where did all the snow come from?
SPIT OUT THE APPLE, DUM-DUM.
Seriously. Stop chewing it and just spit it out. It’s like the being on fire vs. stop, drop and roll for poisonous apples.
DON’T CRY, THOR!
Lily Collins should’ve been in this Snow White.
Drink away the pain, Thor! Alcohol is your friend! Tell us your sad story. We’ll cry with you. Don’t fall in love with K-Stew. She’s icky.
AH NO. You can’t have him K-Stew. You just CAN’T!
INSPIRING SPEECH TIME.
The only thing it’s missing is a MONTAGE!
Fade to Charlize and twenty-ish women on the floor. Umm… There appears to be no guards. Why didn’t they all just gang up and take Charlize down?
*K-Stew riding to war dramatically*
Bob Hoskins: Farewell, princess!
Ian McShane: That’s a horse…
Bob Hoskins: WHADDYA MEAN I’M TALKIN’ TO A ‘ORSE?
-The made-up dialogue for SWATH in my mind.
Unnamed Dwarf Character (aka THAT GUY!!): “We move as one…”
*cue Spice Girls*
I need some love like I never needed love before…
Blah blah blah…
WHEN two become onnnnnnnne…
This battle is the worst. This beach charge is ridiculous. Can stuff happen? The bad guys are going to kill everyone before K-Stew even reaches the gate. There really should be like six people left at this point.
Did I miss something? When did someone teach K-Stew how to fight?
How and why is this glass jumping into people’s throats?